I first heard the phrase, overcommitted and under connected from Jim Burns with HomeWord Center for Youth and Family, and ever since I heard it I’ve been thinking about it.

I’ve been thinking about it because those two simple words describe most marriages I encounter when I’m counseling couples and also in my day-to-day interactions with couples.

Overcommitted. Just the word gets my head spinning. With each new season of life there are new things to commit to. From social engagements, to family gatherings, to work responsibilities, to activities for the children. There are a plethora of opportunities to use the most precious commodity we have which is time. The limitless options that compete for our time are not going to disappear. If anything there will always be bigger and better options.

In marriage when our schedules are filled with unnecessary and necessary things leaving little flexibility and room to focus in on the relationship between the man and woman, everybody involved suffers. Which is why connection must be intentional and consistent. If someone were to observe your life for a day, a week, a month, what would they SEE you were committed to? What you commit to is what you value and I’d even go as far as to say what you commit to is what leads your life. That’s why after God, marriage is designed to be at the front of all the other commitments.

Commit to set aside time to talk with your spouse, to enjoy your spouse, to just be with your spouse. As natural and organic as that sounds, in our busy lives it does not happen naturally. So plan it, now; go ahead and do it now or you may miss the opportunity and yet another week will go by where you feel that you aren’t really connecting with your spouse, which leads us to the next word.

Under connected. In relation to marriage, this word can be likened to death. A marriage cannot exist for long when the people involved are under connected. This implies that there is not a safe open line of communication. That unity is compromised. If you find your marriage in this place, it’s worth dropping everything else to rekindle that connection with your spouse. Marriage is a partnership where 2 are better than one and where one has the opportunity to be fully known AND accepted. There is an intimacy reserved for marriage and a unity that can move mountains, and where there is unity God commands a blessing.

Connect with your spouse. There are so many ways to do this, but the trick is we just have to do it. Talking helps but consistent displays of action that reaffirm one another’s love and commitment help bring the words to life and are even better. Date nights, vacations, walks in the park, coffee shop conversations, day at the museum. Whatever it may be lets all have some urgency to spend the time to make it a priority. After all, it’s marriage; the bible calls your spouse bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh. You might as well really get to know them. What are their dreams, goals, fears, hopes? The more you pry, the more you actually may find that awe that led you to them in the first place.

Overcommitted and under connected makes for a dull, frustrating, draining, lonely marriage. Let's not do marriage that way. That is not God’s plan for marriage nor any of our dreams of marriage! Lets commit to connect so we can stay connected!

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