Transcription:

Hi there, my name is Sarah-Gayle, and I'm Chad and we're with Hope Relentless Marriage and Relationship Center. We hope you are having a fantastic day. We're going to be talking about some personal responsibility and how it's significant when we each can take individual ownership of our own lives because it impacts the marriage directly.

At Hope Relentless, we work with marriages and couples predominantly in Arizona, but really across the country, and there is a common theme between relationships. The reality is when both individuals are unhealthy, struggling with different addictions, different individual challenges. They take that into the relationship, so it's hard to have a healthy relationship. 

But when there are two individuals that we are working with that have good patterns and habits and are pursuing growth and individual health, then the health and growth of the relationship becomes significantly easier. 

So today what we want to talk about is this idea of personal responsibility for our individual health.  As I grow as an individual, as I pursue health and wholeness in my own life. Then I bring that and add value to our relationship, And it's the same thing for Sarah-Gayle. 

I think what happens is we get married and we're like. Oh, you complete me. 

Where is that from? Do you know what that's from? You complete me, haha? 

That's Jerry Maguire, Jerry Maguire. 

My favorite Jerry Mcguire quote is different. It's “show me the money”. 

Of course, we might be dating ourselves. Some people watching are like. What Is Jerry Mcguire? A really good movie, actually, anyways.

So we think you complete me and we're looking to another human being to meet the deepest of deep needs in our souls, and it just sets them up for failure. It sets us up for frustration, and so when it comes to taking personal responsibility, it's recognizing that no other human being can complete you, or can meet all of your needs. And even if they try, and even if they do some of the time, it's not going to be all the time. 

And so what I like to tell couples I work with is to think about. Ask yourself the question. Is this a need that I have? And if you feel like this is a need like breathing air is a need, then we're looking at the wrong person to meet that. 

If we're looking at our spouse, and so the deepest needs of our heart or our soul, they need to come from God, because he's the one who can and he doesn't fail us. He's consistent, and so we can get our deepest needs from God. Now our wants are another thing we can ask our spouse about. 

Oh yeah, I would enjoy this. I would like that, but when it comes to those needs, that's a huge one and then regarding needs as well, ask yourself, can I sow it. 

And what that looks like is if I'm thinking. Oh, I really want him to just show me more respect. I just wish he would respect me more. Then can I sow it? Can I give him that respect that I'm seeking, Because again, It's me taking personal responsibility for what I can do. 

Because there is a lot that we can do in a relationship before we start to look at our spouse. 

And then the last thing is can I grow it? So a lot of times we're looking for our spouse to feel those deep insecurities in our hearts. Where as that's an inside game. We need to know that we're worthy and valuable on our own without our spouse having to tell us. 

At Hope Relentless we are passionate about seeing couples, seeing marriages thrive, And one of the key things when we work with a couple is to identify negative patterns, negative habits, and replace them. 

And so one of the best ways to do that is what we're talking about today. It is growing individually. Then when we come together, we are that much stronger as a couple and I want to paint this picture. 

Imagine a couple going for a walk on the beach and there's a couple different ways that they could go about this. The first one is if Sarah-Gayle and I were going to go on the beach, I could pick her up and I could carry her and that's kind of that Prince Charming I'm completing her. I'm coming in and rescuing.

But the reality is that it might be romantic or honorable. In the short term, the distance that we can cover is going to be limited. It's just me carrying my wife in the sand. We're only going to go so far. Quickly in that journey, there's going to be frustration. There's going to be some extra aches and pains that I'm going to pick up because I am carrying all the weight.

An alternative option is, Sarah-Gayle could carry me right, and that's just switching roles. But it's the same exact problem. 

An additional option is we could walk on the beach in two totally different directions. I could go right. She could go left, and while we might enjoy that experience for a certain period of time, there's no intimacy on that path.  There's no relationship there. There is no together. 

We want to enjoy this experience on the beach. This experience of life together, and so a beautiful picture of that is a couple walking down the beach holding hands together. They're traveling in the same direction. There's a level of independence and strength and health as they walk on their own feet, but there's a connectedness of holding hands. There's an intimacy there. Together they're moving in the same direction, but they're both bringing their own individual strength and health to the relationship. 

And so that's kind of what we're talking about. We're wanting to give you the freedom to say you need some self care, some individual time. Not only does it help me be the best version of myself which honors God, but it also helps me bring the best version of myself to our marriage, to the relationship. And that is great. That is good. That is something that we should be doing. 

Yeah, that is so good. It reminds me of when we first got married. Actually, and if you've watched anything we've done, you will hear me talk about the Disney generation. Really talking about myself because I'm the one who grew up the night and shining armor. I'm going to marry this Prince Charming and he's very charming, but he's not the prince in the movies. 

And although he did propose to me on a horse and carriage.

You know some of those Disney ideas can work. We should move on from most of them, because it's just an unrealistic depiction. 

You know, if you think of these romantic comedies, it's unrealistic and a lot of times images of culture and just fantasy set us up for failure. Because we are looking for that in our spouse, and so for me early on I was looking for him to do more and really everything. 

Like I thought. Okay, my job is to look pretty and to be funny, and I was gravely mistaken. He was looking for a partner in life to grow together, to live together, to contribute. Not in a sense where you keep track, because that's not what we're talking about. Love is not keep track of who does what. It's not a transactional relationship, but it is a partnership. 

We are a team and we get to live this adventure of life together. And so some of it does require those having tough conversations. What does it look like for you to live a life where you both are on the same page regarding this area? 

Yea, so I think some of the things we just want to share a couple ideas. That we each try and implement that directly translate to our own individual health. What are some of those ideas at the end of the day? You're going to hear different things that we share. 

You know, you can listen to podcasts. you can go online. You can read different books from different authors. Part of it is finding a pattern and a rhythm that works for you. You know, one of the things that I've noticed for myself is something can energize my life, but at a certain point then there's diminishing returns and I have to shake things up again. 

I need to find a different, maybe bible reading plan. Maybe that one, in the short term, I was excited, it was strengthening and encouraging my faith. Then at some point it's just I'm checking the box, so you know we'll share some of these things if it's working for you. Great implement, if it's not, keep seeking for different ways that are going to encourage and strengthen you as an individual. 

So I'll share one of the things that I do, and I've been in and out of this habit throughout my life. To be honest, I'm back in it, Though I'm remembering how much I love it and that's journaling. For me it is just sitting in the morning, not even thinking about anything to start. But then I get my journal and then I just start writing. And what ends up being written is something different than what I initially may have thought. It is a way to process my thoughts for the day.

What it ends up being is interesting because whatever is in you comes out at that moment. For me, it's very therapeutic and it helps me to really recognize where I am because what's coming out is where I am at that moment. 

So I would recommend that even a journal for the sake of writing things down that you want to remember. I tell a lot of the couples. Hey, make sure in these sessions that you have a journal, even as you're listening to podcasts or different things that you like, as long as your not driving. 

If you're sitting sedentary, have something where you're writing down your thoughts. You can implement them because we forget things. If we don't put other things in place to help us remember and stay accountable. 

I think one of the things that we've done, and certainly probably the most intense level of this particular year, is we try and establish goals at the beginning of the year. That's something that we've gone in and out of. We've established goals and we start going down the path of that. 

But one of the things we've kind of layered on top is an accountability group. The accountability group That we're a part of,  we choose our own goals. So Sarah-Gayle and I are, both in it.  We are actually in different smaller groups of organization called team 212. 

And so I bring my own goals, so that group is just encouraging and supporting the things that I say are important to me. So I've implemented the journaling as well, and the first thing I journal each day is just my top couple of goals.  My top four or five goals. Just so they're staying in front of me, so they're staying top of mind. 

It's amazing, I can create a goal and then forget about it for weeks and then stumble across a piece of paper and see it. Oh yeah, And so this is helping me identify with more clarity. 

What do I want? What do I feel like God has put on my heart to go after? 

And so I'm looking at it each day. Then I try to implement the idea of the gratitude journal. Just writing down may be a sentence or two. Something I'm thankful for. I might write down something that is at the forefront of my mind. A key goal today is to get this done. It's just building those patterns and habits. 

At the time of this recording we are now into early February, so it's been about a month since the new year started. There have been a lot of days where I wouldn't have taken action towards my goals if we weren't part of the accountability with team 212. 

The goals were still important to me, but those little reminders caused me to go. I got to. I want to do this. I haven't done it yet. Let me make sure I get this done so I continue moving forward. So for me, accountability has been crucial for my own individual health.  Because for me I get a lot of strength and confidence and momentum when I know I'm doing the things that I say are important to me. 

Yeah, and so with that in the past, we have tried to hold each other accountable and that has not gone well.  We are high capacity people. We both come from an athletic competitive background, so you would think we would make the greatest accountability partners for one another, but it just didn't work out that way. 

And so, rather than think, Oh, my gosh, what is wrong with our relationship? It is just realizing that's not working for us.  So we are going to find other ways to hold ourself accountable and support each other in the individual journeys. 

On that note, when you are supporting your spouse, I highly recommend first of all, support your spouse with their individual goals and journey, it just looks like asking them. 

Hey, how can I support you? Is there anything that I can do to support you with your goal?

Because sometimes we mean well and we just say things or we do things because we're trying to help. But it's not what they would have wanted if we ask them. So a simple ask goes a long way. I think just on that, there are some spouses where you might ask, and in the moment they genuinely respond with nothing, and that's okay.  They hear, and they feel your support. 

I remember when we were younger, one of the greatest feelings was to offer a friend to help them move. But then they already had it figured out. So it's like because who wants to help a friend really move like I don't know. You know. Maybe when you're desperate and they are buying pizza, but thankfully have been past those days for a little bit. 

But when you offer and they're like, No, I'm good. You're like. Well, I was there for you if you needed help. 

So sometimes there's different dynamics with our spouse. What is important is that they feel supported and if they respond and say “right now, I can't really think of anything”. Maybe in a couple of days that will change and go. Hey, you know I thought of something you can help me with. 

We don't have to push to support, we can just be present. Be available. If they say there's nothing to support them, take them for their word and move on until they say something different. 

Yeah and on that, we are speaking from experience here.  When we know what our spouses goal is, and we see them not doing it.  Even when we agree on things you know as a couple and we're learning new things, new skills together and we see that one of the partners is not doing it. Don't point the finger. I want to encourage you not to point the finger. 

I want to encourage you to just give grace to recognize, just like you're on a journey, your spouses on a journey. So encouragement goes a lot further than criticism in that regard, and one of the things we're coming back to is personal responsibility. 

It's crucial because as I am more holistically healthy, and we're not talking about perfection here at all, but as I'm more holistically healthy.  Then when it comes time to forgive or to give grace, I can do that quicker because I am not in a place where I feel like I am at a deficit of anything.  I've already given myself what I need to show up in the best way that I can show up, and so that way it creates a whole different scenario when it comes to our interactions. 

So I'm trying to think of other things that we've done. So there's the journal. There's the accountability groups. I think somewhere in there, maybe early before the journal line, or maybe you'll discover some level of goal, some target something that you're driving or that you're moving towards. 

We are created in the image of God and he has a purpose and a plan. The Bible talks all through it that we are prepared for good works. This concept of we have a meaning and a purpose. I think sometimes within our individual health and within our relationship health that when there's a common goal or a common mission or something we're moving towards it helps draw out the best of us. 

So in those day to day journals, in that day to day, accountability, in those day to day interactions were actually moving towards a target. Towards a common purpose or goal with our spouse.

Okay, well those are the things that I feel like have impacted us. What we've learned along the journey, just interacting with couples. Some of the things that are top of mind, and so hopefully they help. We cannot emphasize enough the significance of taking personal responsibility. 

There isn't a stat on this officially, but I would say I'm just going to say a much greater personage, not going to go into math. A much greater percentage of marital happiness comes from each individual and the work that they are doing as individuals that they then bring to the relationship. 

I think a lot of us are looking to our spouse first when we really will benefit more and experience more fruit in our lives if we look at ourselves first. Okay, Well until next time, remember “there's always always hope”.

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