The Power of Personal Responsibility in Marriage

Sarah-Gayle: Hi, my name is Sarah-Gayle, and I'm Chad, and we're with Hope Relentless Marriage and Relationship Center. We hope you're doing fantastic today. We're going to be talking about personal responsibility and how significant it is when we each take individual ownership of our own lives, because it impacts the marriage directly.

At Hope Relentless we work with marriages and couples predominantly in Arizona, but really across the country, and there's a common theme. When both individuals are unhealthy, struggling with different addictions or individual challenges, they take that into the relationship, so it's hard to have a healthy relationship. But when there are two individuals who have good patterns and habits and are pursuing growth and individual health, then the health and growth of the relationship becomes significantly easier.

So today we want to talk about this idea of personal responsibility for our individual health. As I grow as an individual, as I pursue health and wholeness in my own life, then I bring that and add value to our relationship, and it's the same for Sarah-Gayle. I think what happens is we get married and we're like, "Oh, you complete me." Do you know where that's from? You complete me. Yes, that's Jerry Maguire. My favorite Jerry Maguire quote is actually "show me the money." We might be dating ourselves, because some of you are like, what is Jerry Maguire? It's a really good movie, actually.

So we think "you complete me," and we're looking to another human being to meet the deepest needs in our souls, and it just sets them up for failure and sets us up for frustration. When it comes to taking personal responsibility, it's recognizing that no other human being can complete you or meet all of your needs. Even if they try, even if they do some of the time, it's not going to be all the time. So what I like to tell couples is to ask: is this a need that I have? If you feel like this is a need, like breathing air is a need, then we're looking at the wrong person to meet that if we're looking at our spouse. The deepest needs of our heart and soul need to come from God, because he's the one who's constant, who doesn't fail us. Now our wants are another thing. We can ask our spouse, "Oh, I would enjoy this, I would like that." But when it comes to those needs, that's a huge one.

And then, regarding needs, ask yourself: can I sow it? If I'm thinking, "I really want him to show me more respect, I just wish he would respect me more," then can I sow it? Can I give him that respect that I'm seeking? Again, it's me taking personal responsibility for what I can do, because there's a lot we can do in a relationship before we look at our spouse. And the last thing is: can I grow it? A lot of times we're looking for our spouse to fill those deep insecurities in our hearts, whereas that's an inside game. We need to know that we're worthy and valuable on our own, without our spouse having to tell us.

At Hope Relentless we're passionate about seeing marriages thrive, and one of the key things when we work with a couple is to identify negative patterns and habits and replace them. One of the best ways to do that is what we're talking about today: growing individually, so that when we come together we are that much stronger as a couple. I want to paint a picture. Imagine a couple going for a walk on the beach. The first option: I could pick Sarah-Gayle up and carry her, the Prince Charming, coming in to rescue. But while that might be romantic in the short term, the distance we can cover is limited. It's just me carrying my wife in the sand. We're only going to go so far, and quickly there's frustration and extra aches and pains because I'm carrying the weight. The alternative is Sarah-Gayle could carry me, but that's just switching roles, the same exact problem. Another option is we walk in totally different directions. I go right, she goes left. We might enjoy that for a while, but there's no intimacy, no relationship, no togetherness.

So a beautiful picture is a couple walking down the beach holding hands. They're together, traveling the same direction, with a level of independence and strength and health as they walk on their own feet, but there's a connectedness of holding hands. They're both bringing their own individual strength and health to the relationship. That's what we're talking about. We want to give you the freedom to say, "You know what, some self-care, some individual time, not only helps me be the best version of myself, which honors God, but it also helps me bring the best version of myself to our marriage."

It reminds me of when we first got married. If you've watched anything we've done, you hear me talk about the Disney generation. I'm really talking about myself, because I'm the one who grew up thinking I'd marry a Prince Charming. He's very charming, but he's not the prince in the movies, although he did propose to me on a horse and carriage. Some Disney ideas can work out. But most of them are an unrealistic depiction. Those images of culture and fantasy set us up for failure because we look for that in our spouse. Early on I was looking for him to do everything. I thought my job was to look pretty and be funny. I was gravely mistaken. He was looking for a partner in life, to grow together, to live together, to contribute. Not in a transactional, keep-track way, because love isn't keeping track of who does what. It's a partnership. We're a team, and we get to live this adventure of life together.

So we want to share a couple of ideas that translate directly to our own individual health. At the end of the day, you'll hear different things from different people. You can listen to podcasts, go online, read books from different authors. Part of it is finding a pattern and a rhythm that works for you. One thing I've noticed is that something can energize my life, but at a certain point there are diminishing returns and I have to shake things up. Maybe a different Bible reading plan. In the short term it was strengthening my faith, and then at some point I'm just checking the box. So if it's working for you, great, implement it. If it's not, keep seeking different ways to encourage and strengthen you as an individual.

One thing I do, and I've been in and out of this habit throughout my life, but I'm back in it and remembering how much I love it, is journaling. Just sitting in the morning, not even thinking about anything to start, then getting my journal and writing. What ends up coming out is interesting, because whatever's in you comes out of you. It's very therapeutic, and it helps me recognize where I am. I'd recommend journaling even for the sake of writing things down you want to remember. I tell a lot of couples, have a journal as you're listening to podcasts and different things, as long as you're not driving. Write down your thoughts so you can implement them, because we forget things if we don't put things in place to help us remember and stay accountable.

Another thing, certainly at the most intense level this year, is establishing goals. That's something we've gone in and out of. But one thing we've layered on top is an accountability group. The group we're a part of, we choose our own goals. Sarah-Gayle and I are both in it but in different groups of an organization called Team 212. I bring my own goals, so the group encourages and supports the things I say are important to me. I've implemented journaling as well, and the first thing I journal each day is my top four or five goals so they stay in front of me. It's amazing, I can create a goal and then forget about it for weeks, then stumble across a piece of paper and go, "Oh yeah." This helps me identify with clarity what I want and what I feel God has put on my heart. At the time of this recording we're into early February, so it's been about a month, and there have been a lot of days where I wouldn't have taken action toward my goals if we weren't part of the accountability. The goals were still important to me, but those little reminders caused me to go, "I want to do this, I haven't done it yet, let me make sure I get it done." For me, accountability has been crucial for my individual health, because I get a lot of strength and confidence and momentum when I know I'm doing the things I say are important to me.

In the past we tried to hold each other accountable, and that did not go well. We're high-capacity people, both from an athletic background, so you'd think we'd make the greatest accountability partners. It just didn't work out that way. Rather than think, "What's wrong with our relationship," we realized that's just not what we're going to do. We'll find other ways to hold ourselves accountable and support each other in our individual journeys. On that note, when you're supporting your spouse, I highly recommend first asking, "How can I support you? Is there anything I can do to support you with your goal?" Sometimes we mean well and do things to help, but it's not what they would have wanted. A simple ask goes a long way. And there are some spouses where you might ask and they genuinely respond, "Nope," and that's okay. What's important is that they feel supported. If they say, "Right now I can't think of anything," then don't over-push or over-support. Be present, be available, and if they say there's nothing to support, take them at their word and move on until they say something different.

And we're speaking from experience. When we know our spouse's goal and we see them not doing it, even when we've agreed on things and are learning new skills together, and we see that one partner isn't doing it, don't point the finger. I want to encourage you to give grace and recognize that just like you're on a journey, your spouse is on a journey. Encouragement goes a lot further than criticism. Coming back to personal responsibility, it's crucial, because as I am more holistically healthy (and we're not talking about perfection at all), then when it comes time to forgive or give grace, I can do that quicker, because I'm not at a deficit. I've already given myself what I need to show up in the best way I can.

We are created in the image of God, and he has a purpose and a plan. The Bible talks about us being prepared for good works, this concept that we have meaning and purpose. Sometimes within our individual health and our relationship health, when there's a common goal or mission we're moving toward, it draws out the best in us. So in those day-to-day journals, that day-to-day accountability, those day-to-day interactions, we're actually moving toward a target.

Those are the things we feel have impacted us and what we've learned along the journey interacting with couples. We cannot emphasize enough the significance of taking personal responsibility. There isn't an official stat on this, but I'd say a much greater percentage of marital happiness comes from each individual and the work we do as individuals that we then bring to the relationship. A lot of us look to our spouse first, when we'd be benefited more and experience more fruit if we look at ourselves first, and that's going to impact the relationship. Until next time, remember there's always, always hope.