People who are married AND happy have grit! Put another way, marriage is not for the faint of heart! When we say I do, we say it without truly knowing what we or our spouse will actually do.  There’s not enough pre-prep for what happens after the honeymoon stages. How can we truly prepare for a life with someone that is not ourselves in the midst of the uncertainties of life?  You see what I’m getting at? This predicament is why there are so many negative memes on marriage and discouraging dialogue that surround it. I think we have these toddler tantrum moments because we just can’t seem to control or calculate this thing called marriage or should I say this person called our spouse.

Whether we see it as an arrangement or a covenant, marriage brings us together with another human that might be different from us.  I kid, that IS ABSOLUTELY different from us! “How dare he,” we say, “she is so emotional,” we think, yet, the biggest impact on our marriages is ourselves and the blueprint we follow. By blueprint I mean the plan.  What do you do when tragedy strikes, because it will. What do you do when there are health issues, loss of jobs, life transitions? The blueprint sets the atmosphere and course for your marriage but it is also something that you will go back to again and again. It includes your foundation, personal responsibility, love and respect, humility and unity. 

Foundation

There must be something that anchors us. For my family it’s Jesus. A relationship with Him and the wisdom of the Bible is what we stand on in spite of how we feel.  What is the foundation for your marriage? We all have one, for some it just might be lying dormant or not fully exposed. The foundation that our marriage stands on,  impacts how we view our spouse in those not so amazing moments. Our foundation represents our core values and what we stand for as an individual and hopefully as a couple. What lense are you using?? Is there hope for your marriage even in the midst of  irreconcilable differences? I don’t know but your foundation does. Foundation is defined in Merriam-Webster Dictionary as a basis (such as a tenet, principle, or axiom) upon which something stands or is supported. That support of a firm foundation in our marriages is crucial!

Personal Responsibility

When I got married I deferred all responsibility of taking out the trash to my amazing husband.  He agreed to do it thankfully! Sometimes we defer responsibility to our spouses that they did not agree to do or be a part of just because they are our spouse and we think that is what unity represents.  Or we just don’t take responsibility because we figure our spouse will handle it for us because they represent us. Both scenarios do not build a healthy dynamic in our marriages. Taking personal responsibility does.  Your grand ideas, your health, that addiction, your goals and your gifts and talents are your responsibility. Own it all! We cannot expect our spouses to do what we should be doing. They have a life too. I’ll say it again.  Our spouses have a life too! The power couple comes into play when both spouses can begin to live fully in their life and feel the encouragement and support of their spouse along the way!

Unity

Personal responsibility and unity often clash because we think they are mutually exclusive to our marriages when in reality they work together.  When we take personal responsibility it allows the unity in our marriage to strengthen. Unity thrives when each part of the marriage does their part to stay united.  Unity is a choice not a feeling. It’s a decision to remain on the same page as your spouse. Whether that’s in parenting, boundaries, intimacy etc. unity takes intentionality and work to keep at the forefront of your marriage.   Unity says that you and your spouse are a united front. It says that you don’t have to look like the other marriages as long as you and your spouse are in agreement with the workings of your marriage.

Humility

Humility in marriage can best be detected by the atmosphere the marriage has created.  Humility hangs out with friends like peace and grace and mercy. It takes confidence to be humble.  When we know who we are and where our value and identity are found, humility becomes a way of life. Jesus knew who he was. As a result, when he washed his disciples feet he did not encounter a pride issue. He did not expect them to return the favor. Jesus got his fill  from knowing his father in Heaven and from that there was overflow that he could pour out onto his disciples. Humility breaks down walls in our marriages and creates a safe place for mistakes to happen and learning to occur. Humility asks the questions, are you teachable?  Will you serve your spouse? Will you hold your tongue? Will you fight for unity instead of being right? Can you admit to your mistakes?? Humility is not always fun but it is always necessary!

Love and Respect

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33.  Love and respect go hand in hand in marriage. Both must be in great supply for the marriage to grow. Stereotypically men want to be respected and women want to be loved but we all long for both don’t we?   Love and respect are guidelines that we can use when interacting with our spouse. Are we being loving? Are we being respectful?  Notice I did not say do they deserve respect or love? Love and respect are given without expectation. They are given as a response to what God has asked us to do in scripture and faith in the process of what love and respect will create in our marriages.  The actions and words that come as a result of our initiative to love and respect our spouse will be edifying and life giving! The words alone will bring a fortress of contentment, happiness and security. Love and respect beget more love and respect.

There you have it! The blueprint for a phenomenal marriage! Your foundation, taking personal responsibility, unity, humility and love and respect! What about you? What is your blueprint for your marriage?  This blueprint has greatly impacted the marriage of my husband and I. We didn’t know this was our blueprint until we were recently asked by a couple where to start concerning marriage. When we looked back on our marriage of 17 years the 5 sections discussed are what were consistent so we called them our blueprint.  They all contributed to us not only loving each other but also liking each other. If we would have known this blueprint from the beginning, it would have saved us a lot of fumbling around seemingly in the dark! I hope you will adopt this blueprint but if you don’t please create one of your own! Your marriage depends on it! 

I am happy to help you and your spouse create a blueprint for your marriage. Reach out!

Here To Serve,

Coach SG